I just want to say. I'm watching Biographies on TV. . .first Brad Pitt and then Angelina Jolie! So hot. I told everyone that they would make the most beautiful couple in the world way way way before they were together. Like years in advance. I'm like Nostradamus or something, just not as creepy.
Anyhow, I have been very lazy lately because it's so close to finals, so I haven't written any other messages. With that said, I'm all done with classes! yay! Yes, that includes the four essays and the advertising project. I really like advertising and I think the ads came out great. I tried running for PR chair w/ Spectrum today and lost. I was so shy, damn it! And I made a speech first, which I shouldn't have done. It's probably for the best that I lost though, I might not really have the time for it. It just made me feel kind of lonely and unpopular. Oh well. I'm at least proud of myself for putting myself in such an awkward position. That may sound weird, but I've found that when I push myself to face awkward situations I usually come out the other side better off with more experience. I can say to myself, "Yeah, I've done that before, I can do anything if I really want it. Like I said in my last entry, I think, I want to overcome my shyness and be myself more in every situation. I'm so tired of being unknown. Like when people were voting for positions today, people kept forgetting my name or even that I was running, even though I stood up and it wasn't a very big group. Whatever. I'm not angry though. I didn't expect to win anyway, but I just thought it might be something to try. To expand my capabilities. Everyone else had experience running a group before, and if I made my speech after them, I would have added that I have no experience because I've always been too shy before to do something like that. Perhaps I blame too much on the shyness, but it really is a disadvantage that I can't help too much. Runs in the family I guess. Everyone loves a loudmouth, or at least pays attention to them. I can be very witty and articulate if I'm comfortable enough. I just wish there were more people I felt comfortable with enough to be myself. It's thoughts like these that make me really miss my family because now that I've been more open with them it's like a weight that held me back for so long lifted and I can joke freely and not have to hide anything. I used to blame my shyness on my gayness, lol. But now I think the two go hand in hand, and maybe I should put more blame on the shyness anyway. Haha, this is starting to sound very philosophical, and my last philosophy class was today, so I'll stop. (and yes I said gay, for all those reading this that i knew before but didn't know that about me. GAY! woo hoo. But I'm quiet about it mostly, cuz of the shyness of course! and also because of the fact that i don't like to face rejection even though people who might reject me probably wouldn't be worth the time anyway, but still it's a personal thing that i shouldn't have to announce to the world, but i do want to meet more people and be open with them, what a tricky web of deception!)

Moving on. . . I feel like I've been saying very negative things lately, but usually in a joking way to be sarcastic; but I think people take me too seriously. That makes me nervous and even more of a basketcase. Even more negatively, I'm lonely! Everyone seems to be coupling and I am sooo ready for a relationship, but nothing. All my life. . .nothing. It's like I'm finally able to shout out (or softly speak) to the world, I'm ready, I'm out! But no one is responding, or if they are, the feeling isn't exactly mutual. Everyone either has someone else, or I just am not attracted to. I guess I'm in the same boat as a lot of people. But where are those other people? Someone please tell me! Where are all those people just floundering around in the middle, who are interesting and smart and beautiful and accepting of my random quirkiness that I have hidden from most of the world? I've definitely been watching too many relationship dramas on tv and the movies. But seriously, I've waited long enough! I deserve some reward. Especially when I go home to boredom! I love my family, but no one will be around. I need to be productive in order to get my mind off of it. Maybe I'll write some songs, or a play or work on ads. Something! I think I just don't have enough of an attention span to pursue something without getting bored of it. I'm not sure if that would apply to a relationship, but I'm soo willing to try. I think I'd be really committed because I tend to get really overly-enthusiastic about things, especially crushes. Almost obsessed, but not in a creepy way hopefully. I just want some constant person in my life to talk to about everything and to hang out with. Because even here at school I have some people to kind of chill with if I want, but even the L-word viewings don't do it for me. So much sexual tension floating around everywhere and I'm not really part of anything. Am I not obvious enough? I don't flaunt sexuality around like some do, but then do people look at me as an asexual being? I'm not! Okay I know, too much info, but seriously, I am capable of loving. I'm just an awkward hugger, so I don't usually try anthing, and I have no idea about how to be flirtatious, and gaydar? forget about it. I wish I could be more assertive, but it's terribly hard. Should I turn to partying? I think people like alcohol and pot so much because it puts another dimension into a situation. The dimension of chance and a sense of mystery. You never know what people might do under the influence. Maybe the person you like will do something to show it if they have enough to drink. It's a fake kind of shield that makes people think they are able to do things they might not normally do. In some cases that is smoke, pee off balconies, and dance (no matter how awkward they might feel dancing when not drinking). I'm afraid that to start a relationship with someone I might resort to that shield because it takes away that shyness factor. I could talk to anyone I want with the help of alcohol, they might not even remember though. I think that's what bothers me the most about drinking. Some people forget their experiences after having too much. I've never drank enough to experience that (I have very little experience in fact, yeah i'm so prude lol), but I love memories, and if I have a good time somewhere what's it worth if I don't remember it? Even bad moments. How can I learn from them if I numb myself to the experience?

Okay enough negativity, I like to be funny! Here's something that made me laugh a little too much. Funny thought of the day. . . I was talking with Jenn at the dining hall the other day, and somehow we got to talking about vegetarians or non-meat eaters or something. She said, "You have to kill a cow in order to eat it." I said in response, "Well, you don't have to kill it." What I meant was: You could have someone else kill it for you. But it definitely came out like: You could eat the cow alive.
I'm not that sketchy, but I do like me some red meat on occassion. (I'm tired, so I apologize for any typos, I usually hate seeing other people misspell, yup hypocritical ).

Off to bed I go. I should try writing more often. I wonder who would be curious enough to read this stuff. . . I wonder who voted for me. . . popularity contests. I didn't hear anyone raise their hands for me, lol, my sleeve was extremely loud. Good night! Let it snow!